Emotional Regulation: A practical guide on managing heavy emotions

On naming, feeling, and eventually releasing your emotions.

Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of an emotional spiral — watching your own life fall apart like a scene from above?

Sometimes, you know exactly what the emotion is — shame, guilt, anger, disappointment. You can name it. Other times, you can’t. There’s just an ache in your chest, a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat. Maybe a sudden urge to disappear, or tears that come out of nowhere.

In Kenyan terms, unaskia sijui aje — literally, “feeling I don’t know how.”

Created by psychologist Robert Plutchik, this map of our inner world helps us move from a vague ache of “sijui aje” to a named emotion. By naming what you’re feeling, you loosen its grip and create a small, vital space to breathe.

That’s where the Wheel of Emotions comes in. It’s a simple tool to help you name what’s going on inside. Go through it slowly, starting at the center of the circle to determine the general vibe, and stop wherever it feels accurate. Does “rage” feel right? Or something lighter — irritation, maybe? Loathing, disappointment?

This is where the shift happens. You stop drowning in your emotions and become an observer. You start matching what’s happening inside you with words outside of you – on the wheel of emotions. You’re thinking, comparing, noticing — and in that small shift of focus, the choking loosens. The heaviness might still be there, your eyes still watery — but you’re no longer lost inside it. Sometimes that’s all you need: a little space between you and the storm.

You might wonder — isn’t this just avoidance? Aren’t we supposed to feel our feelings?

Hold that thought. We’re getting there.

So, you’ve named the emotion, maybe even traced where it came from.

Now comes the harder part — what can you do about how you feel?

This is tricky, because anger might trick you into acting recklessly. Or your hurt might convince you to reach out to the same person who caused it, looking for closure. (But really — if a snake bit you, would you go after it to ask why it bit such a pleasant person like you?)

Here’s a better strategy: stretch the reaction time.

The time between when the emotion hits and when you respond.

That’s the real key to emotional regulation. It’s what the experts mean when they say ‘feel your feelings’. And this is exactly how you do it:

Breathe. That’s a fairly easy place to start, right? If you’re reading this, there’s a fair chance you’re already doing it. Great job. But don’t just breathe, draw your attention to the movement of air in your breathing.

Notice what’s happening in your body — the tight jaw, the racing heart, the shallow breath. Observe it with curiosity.

Step 2: manage your thoughts. Say you’ve been rejected — the feeling hurts, and your mind whispers, “I’m not good enough.” Notice it for what it is — just a thought. Your brain’s trying to make sense of the pain, but that doesn’t make it true. Observe the thought, and let it go. Always take everything your brain says to you, especially when you’re going through a hard emotion, with a pinch of salt. It’s just trying to make sense of a situation - it’s what it has evolved to do. Doesn’t mean it’s necessarily right.

Breathe again. Feel your body — the trembling, the quick breaths, the thudding heart. Name it gently: so this is what disappointment feels like, so this is grief.

When you stop fighting your feelings — when you give them room — they stop choking you. They no longer feel like a mountain about to crush you, but more of a pebble you’re choosing to hold in your hand, curious. It’s just you and your sadness, sitting together, getting to know each other. You start to understand that sadness, too, is a part of the human experience. And that’s okay.

That being said, put a time limit to it. When it comes to heavy emotions, there is always the risk of obsessing over your own pain, building an altar, and choosing to worship it while refusing to acknowledge the beauties and pleasures of life. The danger in this, is that it engulfs your identity, so that over time, you become the very embodiment of that emotion.

So feel it. All of it.

Then, turn your head. Notice the sunset, the birds, the quiet pulse of life around you. Go for coffee with a friend. Tidy your space. Hold a baby. Stretch your body. Dance. Let your body remember joy again.